Friday, April 3, 2015

It's National Poetry Writing Month

I know, I know, you're probably thinking, "Why do you care?"

I care for the same reason that I care about Lent as a non-Catholic: I care because of discipline.

Anyways, during NaPoWriMo, poets try to write 30 poems in 30 days. I have a lot of poet friends who do this. I do admit, I get kinda jelly about it because I wanna do it too. But I don't write poetry. So this year, I thought to myself, "Hey, why don't I do this too? But instead of poetry, I can write 30 Dear Uterus letters in 30 days. I can totally do this!"

Some of these letters are probably going to be really funny. Some will also probably be really bad...

So on April 1st, I started writing and it is only the 3rd so...it's not like I've gotten that far.  But here's three of them!


4/1/15
Dear Uterus,
Let’s face it: we’re at a turning point in our lives.  We’re not little 20 year olds anymore. We don’t like working more than eight hours at a time. We need more than four hours of sleep at night. Hangovers are a serious thing now.  Look, there comes a time in everyone’s life when they just learn how to first of all, take it easy, but secondly understand that they might not always get their way. They learn courtesy. They adapt to change. They find a niche in the world that adds to their own, as well as others’, livelihood. It’s usually nice.
You haven’t learned shit. In fact you’ve gotten worse. You’re like reverse wine.  At 32, you now cause more cold sweats, grating cramps and full body shutdowns than ever before. Uterus, you are getting to that age when people can’t take you anymore.
You know, when they start recommending hysterectomies.
Keep that in mind.
Best,
The Brain
CEO, The Body
Manager of Emotions 

4/2/15
Dear Uterus,

List #1 of Things That Are Your Fault Entirely:
·      You’re the feeling in my pants which alerts me that something is happening down there—something not fun—but I can’t do anything about it because I’m busy. Or my covers are too warm.

·      You’re the reason for ugly, embarrassing granny panties that I sometimes wear outside of my period. Fuck you, they’re comfortable.

·      You’re the reason why I waste at least $20 a month on Aleve and like probably hundreds of dollars on wine. Hundreds.

·      You’re the reason I can’t go swimming in the summer. Tampons don’t work. Maybe I just have a wide-set vagina.

·      Feminine hygiene products: your fault. Tampons and pads try so hard to be at least a little useful. Ask the embarrassing granny panties how that worked out.

Fuck You, Bitch,

The Brain
CEO, The Body
Manager of Emotions

04/03/15

Dear Uterus,

Did you know that, although your dysmenorrea is a literal pain, The Body has what it takes to fight back? We have the ability to make our own pain killers, basically. So when you’re trying to tear us down, we can kick your ass with beta-endorphins when we work together and exercise.
So when you hit us with your progestaglandins (those chemicals that you release during menstruation which result in cramp-causing muscle contractions) we can hit you back by using the anaglasia (pain relief) that we produce with exercise.
Just thought you’d like to know.
Best,

The Brain
CEO, The Body
Manager of Emotions

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