Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Self Destructive

04/18/15

Dear Uterus,

I see that you're pretty hard on the body but you're also self destructive. It's not worth it. You don't have to grow cysts, tumors and fibroids just because you're frustrated.

We're here for you.

Sincerely,

The Brain
CEO, The Body
Manager of Emotions

Sunday, April 19, 2015

04/17/15

Dear Uterus,

Did you file your taxes? I'm just sending you a reminder because you're always late. You need to get that done so that Uncle Sam can keep tabs on you and keep you in line (as if you need any more restrictions from the government...). Also, I was going to suggest that you try to write off expenses for things like tampons, maxi pads and Ibuprofen. Those things are pricy tools and resources that you use for your job.

By the way, after reviewing my taxes this year, I was wondering if I should claim you as a dependent. It just seems like that could be an option.

Best,

The Brain
CEO, The Body
Manager of Emotions

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Dear Uterus Haiku Second Addition


04/16/15

Dear Uterus, I
Have Decided To Wear White
Pants. Be Nice Today.

Dear Uterus, We
Are Protesting You Today.
We All Hold Grudges.

Dear Uterus, Get
Out Of My Abdomen And
Take A Vacation.

My Uterus Is
All About That Base About
That Base…No Treble.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015


04/15/15

Dear Uterus,
List #2 Of Things That Are Your Fault Entirely:
  • Unwanted, left field sexual attraction based solely on human reproduction. You and your kind are partially to blame for embarrassing walks of shame and “What was I even thinking?” 
  • Water-weight gain due to PMS and ovulation. Rude.
  • Actual weight gain due to menstrual cravings, pregnancy cravings, and lazing around because you won’t let us move. I’m sure that as a result of the cravings, world hunger is also your fault.

I hope you’re keeping track.
Best,

The Brain
CEO, The Body
Manager of Emotions

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

In Sync


04/14/15

Dear Uterus:

So what’s up with this being in sync with your friends? No other body part is friends with other body’s body parts to the extent of functioning on the same schedule together. Do you call each other? Do you take selfies and send them to one another? Do you send emails to arrange contests to see who inflicts the most horrible menstrual cycle on The Body?
Seriously, what’s the deal? It’s not like the Kidneys or the Liver are in cahoots with outside kidneys and livers. It’s not like the Digestive Tract schedules bowel movements with their friends. What makes you so special?
Let me in on it.
Best,

The Brain
CEO, The Body
Manager of Emotions

Monday, April 13, 2015

Uterus Time


04/13/15

Dear Uterus,

Are you there? I feel like you’re ignoring your duties.  Your sudden quietness is disconcerting. When is the last time you ovulated? Why are you late all of the time now? Would it kill you to be on time for once?
We don’t all run on Uterus Time. Please re-adjust your schedule and stick to it.
Sincerely,

The Brain
CEO, The Body
Manager of Emotions

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Wandering Uterus


04/11/15

Dear Uterus,

I have been reading some history books lately. Apparently, humans are idiots. In several cultures (including the Greeks and Egyptians) people actually thought their Uterus could wander around in the body. When women were having ailments, primitive doctors actually thought the Uterus had moved to that specific part of the body to cause trouble. For example, if the head was hurting, they thought that the Uterus had picked up and moved to the head.
The first thing I thought of was, “Well what if the woman were pregnant? If the Uterus decided to stay in the head, then the woman would give birth with her face! HAH!”
Good thing you can’t actually do that. I think the whole body would be in for it then. Don’t get any ideas.
Best,

The Brain
CEO, The Body
Manager of Emotions