Thursday, April 16, 2015

Dear Uterus Haiku Second Addition


04/16/15

Dear Uterus, I
Have Decided To Wear White
Pants. Be Nice Today.

Dear Uterus, We
Are Protesting You Today.
We All Hold Grudges.

Dear Uterus, Get
Out Of My Abdomen And
Take A Vacation.

My Uterus Is
All About That Base About
That Base…No Treble.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015


04/15/15

Dear Uterus,
List #2 Of Things That Are Your Fault Entirely:
  • Unwanted, left field sexual attraction based solely on human reproduction. You and your kind are partially to blame for embarrassing walks of shame and “What was I even thinking?” 
  • Water-weight gain due to PMS and ovulation. Rude.
  • Actual weight gain due to menstrual cravings, pregnancy cravings, and lazing around because you won’t let us move. I’m sure that as a result of the cravings, world hunger is also your fault.

I hope you’re keeping track.
Best,

The Brain
CEO, The Body
Manager of Emotions

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

In Sync


04/14/15

Dear Uterus:

So what’s up with this being in sync with your friends? No other body part is friends with other body’s body parts to the extent of functioning on the same schedule together. Do you call each other? Do you take selfies and send them to one another? Do you send emails to arrange contests to see who inflicts the most horrible menstrual cycle on The Body?
Seriously, what’s the deal? It’s not like the Kidneys or the Liver are in cahoots with outside kidneys and livers. It’s not like the Digestive Tract schedules bowel movements with their friends. What makes you so special?
Let me in on it.
Best,

The Brain
CEO, The Body
Manager of Emotions

Monday, April 13, 2015

Uterus Time


04/13/15

Dear Uterus,

Are you there? I feel like you’re ignoring your duties.  Your sudden quietness is disconcerting. When is the last time you ovulated? Why are you late all of the time now? Would it kill you to be on time for once?
We don’t all run on Uterus Time. Please re-adjust your schedule and stick to it.
Sincerely,

The Brain
CEO, The Body
Manager of Emotions

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Wandering Uterus


04/11/15

Dear Uterus,

I have been reading some history books lately. Apparently, humans are idiots. In several cultures (including the Greeks and Egyptians) people actually thought their Uterus could wander around in the body. When women were having ailments, primitive doctors actually thought the Uterus had moved to that specific part of the body to cause trouble. For example, if the head was hurting, they thought that the Uterus had picked up and moved to the head.
The first thing I thought of was, “Well what if the woman were pregnant? If the Uterus decided to stay in the head, then the woman would give birth with her face! HAH!”
Good thing you can’t actually do that. I think the whole body would be in for it then. Don’t get any ideas.
Best,

The Brain
CEO, The Body
Manager of Emotions

Post-Life


04/10/15

Dear Uterus,

Life and death are strange things that I have not gotten a handle on yet.  I’d like to believe that one finds out the meaning of everything concerning life in death. With this post-life perspective, death is the only way of knowing what actually happens before and after life, if you believe in that sort of thing.  We only actually know what happens in our individual worlds during life. I know--I’m being Captain Obvious here.
That said, you’re like…the innovator of life. You make the catalyst encounter possible that leads to human existence (and animals). You carry and grow small lives and bring them into this world to exist how they see fit. It’s pretty beautiful.
You’re also a little cancer box. You can kill if you’re left unsupervised. Because of this threat you impose, you have become expendable. You give them family and life, but they will discard you with a quickness. Heartless? Maybe.
I hope you’re not planning anything rash, Uterus.
Sincerely,

The Brain
CEO, The Body
Manager of Emotions

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Musing


04/09/15

Dear Uterus,

I’ve been doing a lot of research about you and those like you. It turns out that we’ve lucked out. I’ve read that it is possible for some bodies to have more than one Uterus, a condition called Uterus Didelphys. I’ve never met any of those bodies, but I kind of feel for them.  A body with twin uteruses must really go through it…maybe it is even over taken.
Anyways, good thing you don’t have a twin…or do you? And if you ever had a twin, would there be a good twin and an evil twin? Now I’m just musing.
Have a good day and control yourself.
Best,

The Brain
CEO, The Body
Manager of Emotions