Dear Uterus postcards were selected to be included in the new GrrlBox period subscription service. Among the products featured in the box are new panties, candies, chocolates, feminine hygiene products and Dear Uterus postcards! Fun times! Y'all should totally get on this subscription service and get some much needed goodies to help you combat your uterus' favorite time of the month!
Thanks to Meg Ross for including us!
Also, check out this neat review here! The reactions to the Dear Uterus postcards are adorable!
Did you file your taxes? I'm just sending you a reminder because you're always late. You need to get that done so that Uncle Sam can keep tabs on you and keep you in line (as if you need any more restrictions from the government...). Also, I was going to suggest that you try to write off expenses for things like tampons, maxi pads and Ibuprofen. Those things are pricy tools and resources that you use for your job.
By the way, after reviewing my taxes this year, I was wondering if I should claim you as a dependent. It just seems like that could be an option.
what’s up with this being in sync with your friends? No other body
part is friends with other body’s body parts to the extent of functioning on
the same schedule together. Do you call each other? Do you take selfies and
send them to one another? Do you send emails to arrange contests to see who inflicts
the most horrible menstrual cycle on The Body?
what’s the deal? It’s not like the Kidneys or the Liver are in cahoots with
outside kidneys and livers. It’s not like the Digestive Tract schedules bowel
movements with their friends. What makes you so special?
you there? I feel like you’re ignoring your duties.Your sudden quietness is disconcerting. When is the last
time you ovulated? Why are you late all of the time now? Would it kill you to
be on time for once?
don’t all run on Uterus Time. Please re-adjust your schedule and stick to it.
I have been reading some history books lately. Apparently,
humans are idiots. In several cultures (including the Greeks and Egyptians)
people actually thought their Uterus could wander around in the body. When
women were having ailments, primitive doctors actually thought the Uterus had
moved to that specific part of the body to cause trouble. For example, if the
head was hurting, they thought that the Uterus had picked up and moved to the
The first thing I thought of was, “Well what if the woman
were pregnant? If the Uterus decided to stay in the head, then the woman would
give birth with her face! HAH!”
Good thing you can’t actually do that. I think the whole
body would be in for it then. Don’t get any ideas.
and death are strange things that I have not gotten a handle on yet.I’d like to believe that one finds out
the meaning of everything concerning life in death. With this post-life
perspective, death is the only way of knowing what actually happens before and
after life, if you believe in that sort of thing. We only actually know what happens in our individual worlds
during life. I know--I’m being Captain Obvious here.
said, you’re like…the innovator of life. You make the catalyst encounter
possible that leads to human existence (and animals). You carry and grow small
lives and bring them into this world to exist how they see fit. It’s pretty
also a little cancer box. You can kill if you’re left unsupervised. Because of
this threat you impose, you have become expendable. You give them family and
life, but they will discard you with a quickness. Heartless? Maybe.
doing a lot of research about you and those like you. It turns out that we’ve
lucked out. I’ve read that it is possible for some bodies to have more than one
Uterus, a condition called Uterus Didelphys. I’ve never met any of those bodies, but I kind of feel for
them.A body with twin uteruses
must really go through it…maybe it is even over taken.
good thing you don’t have a twin…or do you? And if you ever had a twin, would
there be a good twin and an evil twin? Now I’m just musing.
just wanted to let you know that you’re doing a great job on the regularity
front. We’ve had a prompt, on-time menstrual cycle this year. No
early or late surprises. Nothing unpredictable happened, either.
am writing to you today concerning the Heart. He’s pretty broken up right now.
He seems to think that the bulk of human affection has something to do with him
and you and not me, you and the Vagina. He has nothing to do with love or lust,
but I think he watches too much television or reads too many romance
novels.The Heart takes them to
know that you and the Vagina work closely together and I want you to let her
know that she needs to calm down. I would talk to her myself, but the Vagina
never listens. The Heart is over here pining and keeping him happy is making it difficult to focus on other, more pressing, issues.
talk to your friend.
I know you’re both in cahoots on this issue. I’m no fool. But think about it
this way: it’s not like you’re having any luck getting busy anyway.
you remember the time when we first met? I think about it all the time. You
were so tiny and young, as was I, but not yet mature. I was an early bloomer, of course. I didn't really
pay you that much attention. I was
focused on getting knowledge and managing this body. You were quiet, nestled
there in the pelvis of The Body, not asleep, but just observing. Planning.
you woke up and you made me notice you, all slick and brazen. I couldn’t resist
you, at first—I might have loved you for a moment. We bonded with hormones. You
slowly started getting your own agenda, though. We fought. We sometimes didn’t
miss you sometimes, though, and what we had when we were young. Maybe one day, we
can get back to what we once were.
I know, I know, you're probably thinking, "Why do you care?"
I care for the same reason that I care about Lent as a non-Catholic: I care because of discipline.
Anyways, during NaPoWriMo, poets try to write 30 poems in 30 days. I have a lot of poet friends who do this. I do admit, I get kinda jelly about it because I wanna do it too. But I don't write poetry. So this year, I thought to myself, "Hey, why don't I do this too? But instead of poetry, I can write 30 Dear Uterus letters in 30 days. I can totally do this!"
Some of these letters are probably going to be really funny. Some will also probably be really bad...
So on April 1st, I started writing and it is only the 3rd so...it's not like I've gotten that far. But here's three of them!
face it: we’re at a turning point in our lives.We’re not little 20 year olds anymore. We don’t like working
more than eight hours at a time. We need more than four hours of sleep at
night. Hangovers are a serious thing now.Look, there comes a time in everyone’s life when they just learn how to
first of all, take it easy, but secondly understand that they might not always
get their way. They learn courtesy. They adapt to change. They find a niche in
the world that adds to their own, as well as others’, livelihood. It’s usually
You haven’t learned shit. In
fact you’ve gotten worse. You’re like reverse wine.At 32, you now cause more cold sweats, grating cramps and
full body shutdowns than ever before. Uterus, you are getting to that age when people
can’t take you anymore.
You know, when they start
Keep that in mind.
List #1 of Things That Are
Your Fault Entirely:
·You’re the feeling in my pants which alerts me that something is
happening down there—something not fun—but I can’t do anything about it because
I’m busy. Or my covers are too warm.
·You’re the reason for ugly, embarrassing granny panties that I
sometimes wear outside of my period. Fuck you, they’re comfortable.
·You’re the reason why I waste at least $20 a month on Aleve and like
probably hundreds of dollars on wine. Hundreds.
·You’re the reason I can’t go swimming in the summer. Tampons don’t
work. Maybe I just have a wide-set vagina.
·Feminine hygiene products: your fault. Tampons and pads try so hard to
be at least a little useful. Ask the embarrassing granny panties how that
you know that, although your dysmenorrea is a literal pain, The Body has what
it takes to fight back? We have the ability to make our own pain killers,
basically. So when you’re trying to tear us down, we can kick your ass with
beta-endorphins when we work together and exercise.
when you hit us with your progestaglandins (those chemicals that you release
during menstruation which result in cramp-causing muscle contractions) we can
hit you back by using the anaglasia (pain relief) that we produce with