Self Destructive

04/18/15

Dear Uterus,

I see that you're pretty hard on the body but you're also self destructive. It's not worth it. You don't have to grow cysts, tumors and fibroids just because you're frustrated.

We're here for you.

Sincerely,

The Brain
CEO, The Body
Manager of Emotions

04/17/15

Dear Uterus,

Did you file your taxes? I'm just sending you a reminder because you're always late. You need to get that done so that Uncle Sam can keep tabs on you and keep you in line (as if you need any more restrictions from the government...). Also, I was going to suggest that you try to write off expenses for things like tampons, maxi pads and Ibuprofen. Those things are pricy tools and resources that you use for your job.

By the way, after reviewing my taxes this year, I was wondering if I should claim you as a dependent. It just seems like that could be an option.

Best,

The Brain
CEO, The Body
Manager of Emotions

Dear Uterus Haiku Second Addition

04/16/15

Dear Uterus, I

Have Decided To Wear White

Pants. Be Nice Today.

Dear Uterus, We

Are Protesting You Today.

We All Hold Grudges.

Dear Uterus, Get

Out Of My Abdomen And

Take A Vacation.

My Uterus Is

All About That Base About

That Base…No Treble.

04/15/15

Dear Uterus,

List #2 Of Things That Are Your Fault Entirely:

• Unwanted, left field sexual attraction based solely on human reproduction. You and your kind are partially to blame for embarrassing walks of shame and “What was I even thinking?” 

• Water-weight gain due to PMS and ovulation. Rude.

• Actual weight gain due to menstrual cravings, pregnancy cravings, and lazing around because you won’t let us move. I’m sure that as a result of the cravings, world hunger is also your fault.

I hope you’re keeping track.

Best,

The Brain

CEO, The Body

Manager of Emotions

In Sync

04/14/15

Dear Uterus:

So what’s up with this being in sync with your friends? No other body part is friends with other body’s body parts to the extent of functioning on the same schedule together. Do you call each other? Do you take selfies and send them to one another? Do you send emails to arrange contests to see who inflicts the most horrible menstrual cycle on The Body?

Seriously, what’s the deal? It’s not like the Kidneys or the Liver are in cahoots with outside kidneys and livers. It’s not like the Digestive Tract schedules bowel movements with their friends. What makes you so special?

Let me in on it.

Best,

The Brain

CEO, The Body

Manager of Emotions

Uterus Time

04/13/15

Dear Uterus,

Are you there? I feel like you’re ignoring your duties.  Your sudden quietness is disconcerting. When is the last time you ovulated? Why are you late all of the time now? Would it kill you to be on time for once?

We don’t all run on Uterus Time. Please re-adjust your schedule and stick to it.

Sincerely,

The Brain

CEO, The Body

Manager of Emotions

Wandering Uterus

04/11/15

Dear Uterus,

I have been reading some history books lately. Apparently, humans are idiots. In several cultures (including the Greeks and Egyptians) people actually thought their Uterus could wander around in the body. When women were having ailments, primitive doctors actually thought the Uterus had moved to that specific part of the body to cause trouble. For example, if the head was hurting, they thought that the Uterus had picked up and moved to the head.

The first thing I thought of was, “Well what if the woman were pregnant? If the Uterus decided to stay in the head, then the woman would give birth with her face! HAH!”

Good thing you can’t actually do that. I think the whole body would be in for it then. Don’t get any ideas.

Best,

The Brain

CEO, The Body

Manager of Emotions

Post-Life

04/10/15

Dear Uterus,

Life and death are strange things that I have not gotten a handle on yet.  I’d like to believe that one finds out the meaning of everything concerning life in death. With this post-life perspective, death is the only way of knowing what actually happens before and after life, if you believe in that sort of thing.  We only actually know what happens in our individual worlds during life. I know--I’m being Captain Obvious here.

That said, you’re like…the innovator of life. You make the catalyst encounter possible that leads to human existence (and animals). You carry and grow small lives and bring them into this world to exist how they see fit. It’s pretty beautiful.

You’re also a little cancer box. You can kill if you’re left unsupervised. Because of this threat you impose, you have become expendable. You give them family and life, but they will discard you with a quickness. Heartless? Maybe.

I hope you’re not planning anything rash, Uterus.

Sincerely,

The Brain

CEO, The Body

Manager of Emotions

Musing

04/09/15

Dear Uterus,

I’ve been doing a lot of research about you and those like you. It turns out that we’ve lucked out. I’ve read that it is possible for some bodies to have more than one Uterus, a condition called Uterus Didelphys. I’ve never met any of those bodies, but I kind of feel for them.  A body with twin uteruses must really go through it…maybe it is even over taken.

Anyways, good thing you don’t have a twin…or do you? And if you ever had a twin, would there be a good twin and an evil twin? Now I’m just musing.

Have a good day and control yourself.

Best,

The Brain

CEO, The Body

Manager of Emotions

04/08/15

Some Haiku:

Dear Uterus: I

Hope You Can Hear Me Clearly

When I Say “Fuck You.”

Dear Uterus: Please

Chill Out. There Will Be No Kid

Inside You Today.

Dear Uterus: Lets

Call A Truce. I Just Can Not

Handle You Today.

Dear Uterus: Would

You Mind Terribly If I

Had An Orgasm?

Dear Uterus: You

Are The Biggest Cock Blocker.

Period...Get It?

Dear Uterus: You

Ruiner Of Panties. You

Murderer Of Sheets.

04/07/15

Dear Uterus,

I know you know what it means to be happy. You know what it means to kick back and stop caring, to completely enjoy yourself, to vibrate in laughter and joy.

The whole body can feel it when you do from the skin on the scalp to the tips of the toes, we know.

So why can’t you be like that more often?

With Concern,

The Brain,

CEO, The Body

Manager of Emotions

04/06/15

Dear Uterus,

Tri-Annual Report:

I just wanted to let you know that you’re doing a great job on the regularity front. We’ve had a prompt, on-time menstrual cycle this year. No early or late surprises. Nothing unpredictable happened, either.

Keep up the good work.

Best,

The Brain

CEO, The Body

Manager of Emotions

04/05/15

Dear Uterus,

I am writing to you today concerning the Heart. He’s pretty broken up right now. He seems to think that the bulk of human affection has something to do with him and you and not me, you and the Vagina. He has nothing to do with love or lust, but I think he watches too much television or reads too many romance novels.  The Heart takes them to heart.

I know that you and the Vagina work closely together and I want you to let her know that she needs to calm down. I would talk to her myself, but the Vagina never listens. The Heart is over here pining and keeping him happy is making it difficult to focus on other, more pressing, issues. 

Please talk to your friend.

Best,

The Brain

CEO, The Body

Manager of Emotions

P.S. I know you’re both in cahoots on this issue. I’m no fool. But think about it this way: it’s not like you’re having any luck getting busy anyway.

04/04/15

Dear Uterus,

Do you remember the time when we first met? I think about it all the time. You were so tiny and young, as was I, but not yet mature.  I was an early bloomer, of course. I didn't really pay you that much attention.  I was focused on getting knowledge and managing this body. You were quiet, nestled there in the pelvis of The Body, not asleep, but just observing. Planning.

Then you woke up and you made me notice you, all slick and brazen. I couldn’t resist you, at first—I might have loved you for a moment. We bonded with hormones. You slowly started getting your own agenda, though. We fought. We sometimes didn’t speak.

I miss you sometimes, though, and what we had when we were young. Maybe one day, we can get back to what we once were.

Love,

The Brain

CEO, The Body

Manager of Emotions

It's National Poetry Writing Month

I know, I know, you're probably thinking, "Why do you care?"

I care for the same reason that I care about Lent as a non-Catholic: I care because of discipline.

Anyways, during NaPoWriMo, poets try to write 30 poems in 30 days. I have a lot of poet friends who do this. I do admit, I get kinda jelly about it because I wanna do it too. But I don't write poetry. So this year, I thought to myself, "Hey, why don't I do this too? But instead of poetry, I can write 30 Dear Uterus letters in 30 days. I can totally do this!"

Some of these letters are probably going to be really funny. Some will also probably be really bad...

So on April 1st, I started writing and it is only the 3rd so...it's not like I've gotten that far.  But here's three of them!

4/1/15

Dear Uterus,

Let’s face it: we’re at a turning point in our lives.  We’re not little 20 year olds anymore. We don’t like working more than eight hours at a time. We need more than four hours of sleep at night. Hangovers are a serious thing now.  Look, there comes a time in everyone’s life when they just learn how to first of all, take it easy, but secondly understand that they might not always get their way. They learn courtesy. They adapt to change. They find a niche in the world that adds to their own, as well as others’, livelihood. It’s usually nice.

You haven’t learned shit. In fact you’ve gotten worse. You’re like reverse wine.  At 32, you now cause more cold sweats, grating cramps and full body shutdowns than ever before. Uterus, you are getting to that age when people can’t take you anymore.

You know, when they start recommending hysterectomies.

Keep that in mind.

Best,

The Brain

CEO, The Body

Manager of Emotions 

4/2/15

Dear Uterus,

List #1 of Things That Are Your Fault Entirely:

·      You’re the feeling in my pants which alerts me that something is happening down there—something not fun—but I can’t do anything about it because I’m busy. Or my covers are too warm.

·      You’re the reason for ugly, embarrassing granny panties that I sometimes wear outside of my period. Fuck you, they’re comfortable.

·      You’re the reason why I waste at least $20 a month on Aleve and like probably hundreds of dollars on wine. Hundreds.

·      You’re the reason I can’t go swimming in the summer. Tampons don’t work. Maybe I just have a wide-set vagina.

·      Feminine hygiene products: your fault. Tampons and pads try so hard to be at least a little useful. Ask the embarrassing granny panties how that worked out.

Fuck You, Bitch,

The Brain

CEO, The Body

Manager of Emotions

04/03/15

Dear Uterus,

Did you know that, although your dysmenorrea is a literal pain, The Body has what it takes to fight back? We have the ability to make our own pain killers, basically. So when you’re trying to tear us down, we can kick your ass with beta-endorphins when we work together and exercise.

So when you hit us with your progestaglandins (those chemicals that you release during menstruation which result in cramp-causing muscle contractions) we can hit you back by using the anaglasia (pain relief) that we produce with exercise.

Just thought you’d like to know.

Best,

The Brain

CEO, The Body

Manager of Emotions