Detachable Uterus/Separate Vacations

I wish I had a button somewhere on my uterus to turn it off and on as I pleased.  I need a vacation from it sometimes! As of right now, I am not using my uterus so it seems just that I should be able to turn it off and put it away, much like a toddler can put their toys away when they are not using them.  Or at least take the batteries out. I think it would be a protection thing for both my uterus and me. If my uterus were turned off, I would not have to suffer cramps and pain or random mood changes.  I could take it out, put it in a box, and go do something separate from my uterus, like go to a museum or to the farmers market. Or have crazy, irresponsible sex without the threat of pregnancy? Ok maybe not… but I would go on vacation without it.

The benefit my uterus would get from this might be that it would also be able to hide from the radar. It would be off, relaxing, or doing something incredibly reckless, knowing my uterus. Base jumping, or some shit. Nobody would be able to find it. Nobody would be able to turn it into a mandatory baby-making slave, either (I’m looking at you, State Rep. Terry England (R-Auburn)).  Not that my uterus hasn’t already been thinking about making me into a baby making slave; but my uterus is not easily controlled by an outside force.

Let’s talk about vacations and planning them around your uterus. I’m sure most of us plan our vacations around our cycle. Who wants to be in the thick of their period while hiking an Appalachian trail? If I couldn’t turn my uterus off, I would love for the two of us to take separate vacations. My uterus likes to try to ruin my vacations (much like it enjoys ruining panties-just the pretty ones) which is why I think it needs to have a separate one than myself. I have spoken to and heard many a tale by women who have planned their vacations and their honeymoons around their uterus’ schedule. 

Some people actually try to push back their uterus’ menstruation cycle with birth control or some hormone products (such as Norethisterone).  Oh wait! I bet you didn’t think you could do that, right? I know I was shocked at that information. Basically, Norethisterone is a high dosage of artificial progesterone, and “The most common side effects include weight gain, depression, dizziness, fever, drowsiness, headaches, fluid retention or swelling, appetite changes, sleeplessness and high blood sugar.” I don’t know how healthy that is…it doesn’t seem right. However, going to the beach but not being able to swim also doesn’t seem right, so I see where people are coming from if they say they want to “push back their cycle.” I guess the trade off for no period on your vacation is the risk of feeling completely fucking sick the entire time. In fact, the side effects kind of seem like you would be suffering from PMS anyways. Basically, ladies, we can’t win either way.

 I once took a trip to Iceland on the ending stages of my period, and let me tell you, I felt slightly awkward about the whole thing. Okay, maybe it wasn’t just the period part, but more of the whole having to be naked in front of people before going into some super public hot springs part that made me feel awkward. Nakedness is no laughing matter. I normally do not enjoy being simply naked in front of one person comfortably, let alone twenty! I would totally suck as a stripper. Even with the knowledge that I would have to do this, I decided to go to a hot spring on the first night with a friend of my friend who picked me up from the airport.

Imagine this: you have arrived on a beautiful Nordic island, chilly and rocky. You imagine the folk tales you’ve heard about the elves and giants who live in the cracks of the terrain. You are mildly conscious that you are the only black person on the island. Feeling bloated and slightly cramped, you have to be butt-assed naked in front of a bunch of folks you don’t know. Children are staring! You are the foreigner. You hope your tampon string isn’t showing! Did you shave enough? You should have waxed. However, after a while, the adventure of it all really makes your nervousness and self-awareness melt away! Throwing off your clothes, you shower with everybody else, slip into your bathing suit and shuffle out to the springs in the extremely freezing weather and ease on down into some hot springs. Your body relaxes as the remaining cramps you had dissolved into the soothing, hot water. You look up at the sky and stare at the stars on the crisp, cold night and let the steam envelope your face. You smile. Your uterus sleeps.

 If you had left your uterus to its own devices, however, you wouldn't have had to worry about the tampon string, at least. I can see it now: my uterus would have gone to Morocco. It would have eaten good food, gone to the beaches of Essaouira or Tangier. Baked in the sun or roamed the streets, drunk from wine and dazed by hookah smoke. It would be completely unaware that I was also having the time of my life without it. The uterus wouldn't miss me. I think I might miss it, though.